Je pense donc je suis

 

But I have convinced myself that there is absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies. Does it now follow that I, too, do not exist? No. If I convinced myself of something [or thought anything at all], then I certainly existed. But there is a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who deliberately and constantly deceives me. In that case, I, too, undoubtedly exist, if he deceives me; and let him deceive me as much as he can, he will never bring it about that I am nothing, so long as I think that I am something. So, after considering everything very thoroughly, I must finally conclude that the proposition, I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put forward by me or conceived in my mind. (AT VII 25; CSM II 16–17)

A while back I have read the book 'The Great Philosophers: The Lives and Ideas of History's Greatest Thinkers' to get a better understanding on different values and way of thinking. I didn't plan to follow any philosophers described in the book or solely focus on one. Everyone has an own understanding on where values come from and what they are based on and why people break them, move on or away from them. It was a great read and influential in my day to day living.


This above will give you a better understand on where I am coming from next. I often get asked why are you so happy, so positive, so hyper, always fun? I could start a long story and why I am the way I am,  but it is pretty pointless because people have different values in their life, different things are important to them and they might just argue against it, which is not the point of my values (not to be confused with opinions on which you can debate).

But as a short version and to cut down to the base why I am so happy, I can only say: Because I want to be!

It wouldn't matter what happens around me, if I sleep rough on the street or go days without food. This all are short term circumstance I can change and wouldn't affect the fact that indeed I am happy and there is no other explanation for it. It just is the way I want it to be.

I have to thank my character traits for keeping me motivated, open minded and fun loving. But this doesn't have anything to do with why I am happy. I do believe that everyone can be happy, if they want to be. Of course I have bad days and not always everything goes the way I want it to be, but I can accept that and continue without fail.

The blog is not without reason named 'Freedom'. Long I have debated with myself what is freedom. One of my readers commented on one particular entry:

Freedom is the lack of obligations and responsibility, except for those of your choosing. It is the great feeling when your time is yours alone to command and nothing is constrained by money. You will always have this itch within you because you're chasing a dream. It's not a specific thing you want but the desire to keep chasing. You think that being on the move will prevent you from dwelling too much on the fact that you're still seeking

 And I do agree with the mentioned statement above, but overall I see freedom as a choice of living, the choice of being free to be who I am. And if I am, I am.

Dream world

Laying my head on the soft and silky pillow, closing my eyes and start to let colorful pictures passing my eyelids like a movie on a white wall. Glimmers and shadows, noises all over the place.

Slowly I sink into the world of dreams. Creating a world beyond everyone’s wildest imagination; my own world.

Friends are always around me, laughing; tears are only shed for happiness. Family all together and healthy waiting for me at every place I arrive.

A home found at every place I go, something that is wrapping around me like the lightness of clouds. I get carried away, fly over earth and look at forward, seeing the white sky and blue oceans. Not one rain drop visible.

So much more beyond, so much more intimate that you would not want to share with a single soul out there.

Dreams will always be dreams, something I will always strive for but knowing not everything will always be achievable. And that is just the way I love it, because I love the dreams at night. I am able to sleep because of them, they are like a drug, an addiction I would not give up for anything in the world, not even for it all to become reality. Because then I would no longer be able to sleep and fly away.

Rejection

I have never met a person that doesn't fear rejection. Some can handle it better others not at all. After years of living in freedom and with no worries I nearly forgot the feeling of rejection or sadness, not having shed a tear in a very very long time I recently experienced a moment which made me think.

Let me tell you a little story from which I learned and I really glad it all happened the way it did.

Around 15 years ago, when I was at the little and delicate age of 13 I went to a summer camp, experiencing the usual teenage dramas at that time, one memory in particular stuck in my mind. I met a young guy of which I had fond memories. I remember at that time that I had rejected his romantic feelings and the request to become more than just friends. We stayed in contact for a few years via letters. Of course our lives moved on and the contact broke up.

Years later I found one of the letters while I was going through some stuff in the attic. During the years I sometimes thought of him and wondered what happen with him. With the letter in my hand and today’s technology I quickly found him on a social network site and managed to get in touch with him.

We spoke for several weeks and messaged each other until I had a trip planned to my home town and we agreed to meet. During the time we found that we were fond of each other and I admit I started to like him, uncertain what might happen when we see each other.

The day came and it was different to what we both expected, we met under unplanned circumstances. As usual I went for a fun night out with my girls. We had planned to meet the next day and have a normal date. It turned out that he was at that night in the same area as we were, and so unavoidably we met already the very same night, both of us drunk. And as it happens when you are drunk we ended up snogging for a while, however very aware that nothing beyond that should happen I departed and went home with my girls.

The next day arrived and we met to have dinner and see what the day might bring. It was a bit awkward in the beginning but soon both of us managed to behave normally and enjoyed each other companies, have dinner with a walk afterwards through one of the most beautiful spots in my home town; all in all a very nice evening. I made sure I caught my last train back home.

The next day was my departure day and by coincidence he had to pick someone up from the airport, what better opportunity would we have to meet again. So I went over to his place and we decided to watch a movie together, we thought a bit of cuddling wouldn't hurt. Soon the time came and we had to make a move to the airport, both of us unsure how this would continue. I felt positive and therefore made the first move and suggested that we maybe should give it a try and see how things go. Maybe this was too soon to make suggestion; I should have known that I am being too pushy.

A week later and we haven’t spoken. I didn't call nor did he, busy with my live I didn't think much to it. When we did finally managed to talk it was clear from his site that nothing is going to happen, a long distance relationship is out of question. I was ok, kind of expecting it. Sad of course but nothing I couldn't handle.

So I moved on with my live and did what I normally would do day in and day out. Until months later he came online unexpected calling me. We had a quick talk and he asked what I would think if he is coming to London and we would meet for a coffee. I didn't mind as I don’t hold grudges, everyone has their reasons. But what came next kind of through me off, he asked what if he would come to London just because of me. I snapped and told him that he made a decision and that I don’t like games like this. It is either yes or no.

The time came and I went home once again, going out with my girls, getting into a funny mood one drink after another. I still had his number in my phone. You probably know what happened next, I texted him. And he was again in the area, asking if I was sure if I wanted to see him, which I replied to with a yes. Yes we girls do stupid things and make sure we hurt ourselves.

By the time he came around to the club we had been, I was, to say it in a nice way, pretty drunk. I can’t barely remember the things that happened since then. Next thing I remember was him saying something along the lines, he just wants fun and nothing else, that made me break into tears. 

Leaving the club with my friends as fast as we could and going into a restaurant across the street calming down was the best thing we could do at that time.

And I managed to drunk text him several messages, which of course I don’t regret, but which didn't help waking up the next morning and thinking back to the end of the night in embarrassment. After clarifying that there is absolute no chance I gave in and finally deleted his number, making sure history won’t repeat itself.

What the story taught me is simply that I am glad to have had it and making sure no matter what, I will stick in the future with my principles.

Now on the other hand it taught me that I am an utterly bad hypocrite. I had done something similar, if not even worse. Months ago I met this really nice and kind guy and we had met several times until one day he managed to tell that he liked me, more than just friends. At that point I was surprised, not expecting this kind of confession. I admit I didn't say much, didn't want to hurt him.

I was really unsure what to do or what to say to him. I kept meeting him, nothing happened between us, for the simple reason that I was just not attracted to him. He is a great guy, with a lot of positive traits, but nothing seem to arouse me, wanting more.

One thing I feel guilty about, to have dragged it out such a long time that it ended in simply not replying to his last message. I am totally aware of the fact I should have said something sooner and not hurt him at all. I could now come up with a thousand different excuses, but to be honest this is simply not meant to be.

So the end of the story really is that the dating market is a give and take. Why do I tell all of you that? No idea, I just had to write it off my chest and clear my mind. In all honesty, I was to every single guy I have seen in the last 6 months very unfair, because with every new day I realise that I have no idea what I want besides traveling, I have no idea where I want to settle and what I would be able to offer. In all fairness I deserved everything that had happened and glad I once again learned a lesson of life.

With this said, have a safe journey and read you soon with some travel stories again :)