Freedom

I was on my way back to the house I live in currently when it hit me, I couldn't stop the tears running down my cheeks, hiding my red eyes behind sunglasses. Not sure why now and why there but it just happened.

What is freedom? Is it something that is different for all of us? Is it something you would call if you are free from obliging the law, if the government doesn’t have control over you? Is it something you have when you have enough not to worry about anything anymore? What is freedom for you?

For me, I can’t describe it because I simply don’t know, but what I do know is that my feets are itching like crazy, my heart is stinging me with pain, so much it takes over my whole body and I had to sit down on my way from the bus stop to the house. Cars and people were passing me, some in a rush and some in a slow pace. Some smiling, other angry or sad.

It certainly doesn’t help me right now that I read ‘Into the wild’ from Jon Krakauer. The book is about a young boy that gave up everything he had to travel freely. No sure what he was looking for or why he did it, but it might have been something similar to what I feel.

As previously mentioned I am happy, happy with what I got. I am grateful for all the help people gave me. I am amazed by the luck I had with my current job, and yet, I want to break out, run away, pack my bag and leave, somewhere, just not here. A crazy though that is hanging around me like smelly air, something I want to get rid of, but yet get used to so quickly.

I was wondering if I am running away from something but could not find something in particular that would scare me that much to actually go.

It is a strange feeling that ever since I came back from my last long trip, I can’t forget about the struggle but still want to do it again, until I am content with myself.

Just for fun I watched a video on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzOIvCnPN0s And after watching it I felt as if I can’t being around people sometimes. It has been now nearly 4 months since I am back in a ‘normal’ lifestyle. Went shopping for some nice dresses, bought shoes I will never ever wear in my life and other useless things. For some weird reason I have on my mind that I am just acting in a way people would expect me to act, but that this is not the real me, not the person I feel like I am. Unfortunately there is no switch to turn it off and on.

Even with all this going on around me, it seems I have lost my motivation to go ahead and actually do all the things I am dreaming of right now. I keep rescheduling a flight to visit a friend in Scotland. The dance lessons I wanted to take are still not booked let alone searched for. The training time for running has been cut down to pretty much 0 again even though I still want to run the Marathon next year.

All this brings me into a confused state, it is like I can’t think straight anymore, as if my brain is in clouds and I don’t realise my surroundings anymore. As if I lost the ability to listen to the outside world and that my thoughts are taking over.

I need to find a way to break out of it and be free again.