New beginnings (Let's have a fresh start)

Wow, three years have passed without any activity on my blog. Well, life has been busy and I was less interested in documenting for myself and the public (if you do find this page, which given the current visitor rate is very much unlikely to happen, there is not much happening here). So I do consider this blog somewhat just a outlet for my travel stories and here and there my own thoughts. A free place for me to vent if I wanted to or just to share some positive things (or just things, who knows).

I don't know the creator, I am sorry I can't give credit

Day of my life

Here it goes, the day of my life, unimpressive, incredibly boring.

8:22 Looked at my phone, too early, back to sleep
9:45 Looked at my phone, too early, back to sleep
11:00 I hear some noise in the kitchen, eyes half open, ah whatever, turn around, back to sleep
11:45 Nature is calling
11:49 Switching on netbook, checking news, emails etc etc
12:56 Wasted time on doing nothing
13:22 Wasted some more time, took laundry and managed to put into the machine AND switch it on
14:15 Realised I am hungry and ordered Pizza
14:45 Pizza arrived
16:00 Some more sleep
18:50 Friends sends me over video of Steve Jobs speech 2005 Stanford University
19:05 Watching  more videos, having more conversations about random videos
19:45 Trying to figure out purpose of live
19:46 Gave up to figure it out and continued to live
20:21 Writing random blog entry instead of inspiration speech on the day of my life

There are not many of those days, but the do exist, the lazy days, the random days, the days of my life.

Je pense donc je suis

 

But I have convinced myself that there is absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies. Does it now follow that I, too, do not exist? No. If I convinced myself of something [or thought anything at all], then I certainly existed. But there is a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who deliberately and constantly deceives me. In that case, I, too, undoubtedly exist, if he deceives me; and let him deceive me as much as he can, he will never bring it about that I am nothing, so long as I think that I am something. So, after considering everything very thoroughly, I must finally conclude that the proposition, I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put forward by me or conceived in my mind. (AT VII 25; CSM II 16–17)

A while back I have read the book 'The Great Philosophers: The Lives and Ideas of History's Greatest Thinkers' to get a better understanding on different values and way of thinking. I didn't plan to follow any philosophers described in the book or solely focus on one. Everyone has an own understanding on where values come from and what they are based on and why people break them, move on or away from them. It was a great read and influential in my day to day living.


This above will give you a better understand on where I am coming from next. I often get asked why are you so happy, so positive, so hyper, always fun? I could start a long story and why I am the way I am,  but it is pretty pointless because people have different values in their life, different things are important to them and they might just argue against it, which is not the point of my values (not to be confused with opinions on which you can debate).

But as a short version and to cut down to the base why I am so happy, I can only say: Because I want to be!

It wouldn't matter what happens around me, if I sleep rough on the street or go days without food. This all are short term circumstance I can change and wouldn't affect the fact that indeed I am happy and there is no other explanation for it. It just is the way I want it to be.

I have to thank my character traits for keeping me motivated, open minded and fun loving. But this doesn't have anything to do with why I am happy. I do believe that everyone can be happy, if they want to be. Of course I have bad days and not always everything goes the way I want it to be, but I can accept that and continue without fail.

The blog is not without reason named 'Freedom'. Long I have debated with myself what is freedom. One of my readers commented on one particular entry:

Freedom is the lack of obligations and responsibility, except for those of your choosing. It is the great feeling when your time is yours alone to command and nothing is constrained by money. You will always have this itch within you because you're chasing a dream. It's not a specific thing you want but the desire to keep chasing. You think that being on the move will prevent you from dwelling too much on the fact that you're still seeking

 And I do agree with the mentioned statement above, but overall I see freedom as a choice of living, the choice of being free to be who I am. And if I am, I am.

Dream world

Laying my head on the soft and silky pillow, closing my eyes and start to let colorful pictures passing my eyelids like a movie on a white wall. Glimmers and shadows, noises all over the place.

Slowly I sink into the world of dreams. Creating a world beyond everyone’s wildest imagination; my own world.

Friends are always around me, laughing; tears are only shed for happiness. Family all together and healthy waiting for me at every place I arrive.

A home found at every place I go, something that is wrapping around me like the lightness of clouds. I get carried away, fly over earth and look at forward, seeing the white sky and blue oceans. Not one rain drop visible.

So much more beyond, so much more intimate that you would not want to share with a single soul out there.

Dreams will always be dreams, something I will always strive for but knowing not everything will always be achievable. And that is just the way I love it, because I love the dreams at night. I am able to sleep because of them, they are like a drug, an addiction I would not give up for anything in the world, not even for it all to become reality. Because then I would no longer be able to sleep and fly away.

Rejection

I have never met a person that doesn't fear rejection. Some can handle it better others not at all. After years of living in freedom and with no worries I nearly forgot the feeling of rejection or sadness, not having shed a tear in a very very long time I recently experienced a moment which made me think.

Let me tell you a little story from which I learned and I really glad it all happened the way it did.

Around 15 years ago, when I was at the little and delicate age of 13 I went to a summer camp, experiencing the usual teenage dramas at that time, one memory in particular stuck in my mind. I met a young guy of which I had fond memories. I remember at that time that I had rejected his romantic feelings and the request to become more than just friends. We stayed in contact for a few years via letters. Of course our lives moved on and the contact broke up.

Years later I found one of the letters while I was going through some stuff in the attic. During the years I sometimes thought of him and wondered what happen with him. With the letter in my hand and today’s technology I quickly found him on a social network site and managed to get in touch with him.

We spoke for several weeks and messaged each other until I had a trip planned to my home town and we agreed to meet. During the time we found that we were fond of each other and I admit I started to like him, uncertain what might happen when we see each other.

The day came and it was different to what we both expected, we met under unplanned circumstances. As usual I went for a fun night out with my girls. We had planned to meet the next day and have a normal date. It turned out that he was at that night in the same area as we were, and so unavoidably we met already the very same night, both of us drunk. And as it happens when you are drunk we ended up snogging for a while, however very aware that nothing beyond that should happen I departed and went home with my girls.

The next day arrived and we met to have dinner and see what the day might bring. It was a bit awkward in the beginning but soon both of us managed to behave normally and enjoyed each other companies, have dinner with a walk afterwards through one of the most beautiful spots in my home town; all in all a very nice evening. I made sure I caught my last train back home.

The next day was my departure day and by coincidence he had to pick someone up from the airport, what better opportunity would we have to meet again. So I went over to his place and we decided to watch a movie together, we thought a bit of cuddling wouldn't hurt. Soon the time came and we had to make a move to the airport, both of us unsure how this would continue. I felt positive and therefore made the first move and suggested that we maybe should give it a try and see how things go. Maybe this was too soon to make suggestion; I should have known that I am being too pushy.

A week later and we haven’t spoken. I didn't call nor did he, busy with my live I didn't think much to it. When we did finally managed to talk it was clear from his site that nothing is going to happen, a long distance relationship is out of question. I was ok, kind of expecting it. Sad of course but nothing I couldn't handle.

So I moved on with my live and did what I normally would do day in and day out. Until months later he came online unexpected calling me. We had a quick talk and he asked what I would think if he is coming to London and we would meet for a coffee. I didn't mind as I don’t hold grudges, everyone has their reasons. But what came next kind of through me off, he asked what if he would come to London just because of me. I snapped and told him that he made a decision and that I don’t like games like this. It is either yes or no.

The time came and I went home once again, going out with my girls, getting into a funny mood one drink after another. I still had his number in my phone. You probably know what happened next, I texted him. And he was again in the area, asking if I was sure if I wanted to see him, which I replied to with a yes. Yes we girls do stupid things and make sure we hurt ourselves.

By the time he came around to the club we had been, I was, to say it in a nice way, pretty drunk. I can’t barely remember the things that happened since then. Next thing I remember was him saying something along the lines, he just wants fun and nothing else, that made me break into tears. 

Leaving the club with my friends as fast as we could and going into a restaurant across the street calming down was the best thing we could do at that time.

And I managed to drunk text him several messages, which of course I don’t regret, but which didn't help waking up the next morning and thinking back to the end of the night in embarrassment. After clarifying that there is absolute no chance I gave in and finally deleted his number, making sure history won’t repeat itself.

What the story taught me is simply that I am glad to have had it and making sure no matter what, I will stick in the future with my principles.

Now on the other hand it taught me that I am an utterly bad hypocrite. I had done something similar, if not even worse. Months ago I met this really nice and kind guy and we had met several times until one day he managed to tell that he liked me, more than just friends. At that point I was surprised, not expecting this kind of confession. I admit I didn't say much, didn't want to hurt him.

I was really unsure what to do or what to say to him. I kept meeting him, nothing happened between us, for the simple reason that I was just not attracted to him. He is a great guy, with a lot of positive traits, but nothing seem to arouse me, wanting more.

One thing I feel guilty about, to have dragged it out such a long time that it ended in simply not replying to his last message. I am totally aware of the fact I should have said something sooner and not hurt him at all. I could now come up with a thousand different excuses, but to be honest this is simply not meant to be.

So the end of the story really is that the dating market is a give and take. Why do I tell all of you that? No idea, I just had to write it off my chest and clear my mind. In all honesty, I was to every single guy I have seen in the last 6 months very unfair, because with every new day I realise that I have no idea what I want besides traveling, I have no idea where I want to settle and what I would be able to offer. In all fairness I deserved everything that had happened and glad I once again learned a lesson of life.

With this said, have a safe journey and read you soon with some travel stories again :)

Quiet

In the recent days it was quiet, very quiet. Not talking and not listening. Being on your own, pacing from one site to the other. Imagination goes wild and rumour grows along the way.

Hoping that one day you can come home, switch off and fall into someone arms. Feel secure and at home, nothing ever will break the silence. The thoughts in your head swirling around, trying to find a way into the open. Maybe they will destroy or maybe they will build.

New ways are crossing your way every day without you knowing it, in silence you walk along the path you believe is destined for you. You might believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. You might believe that whatever you do is because you want it to happen. We will never know; questions that never will be answered, no matter how often you ask. Should you ask them at all? Is this supposed to be like this?

Quiet. Not very often, but it does happen. Your soul (if you believe it exists) and mind come together and be quiet, go hand in hand together until one day your path separates them once again. Who will you listen to when both are quiet?

The light rises and the darkness falls behind you, looking ahead and not back. Open your eyes and wait with anticipation for what is coming into the light, what will now be visible to you. Like a child that looks at a lolly and hoping you will give it to him.

We will never know, never ever. Quiet. That’s the way it is. Do you dare to make a sound?

Inspiration

Long have I longed for something I can identify myself with, my true self. Is there a true self? I guess so. Exploring and experience all possible up and downs in my life has been so far the only thing I have done in life.

Sometimes with envy, sometimes with passion I look at other people, human beings that are strangers to me. It amazes me every time someone I don’t know manages to inspire me simply through words, movies or pictures.

Recently I came across a blog that did just that, inspired me out of the blue. http://equivocality.com/ is someone that started his blog over 7 years ago. I have no idea why he started or what he wanted to achieve with it, but he did what he wanted to do and does it in an amazing and awesome way.

People that are creative in any way fascinate me. They have the power to awake emotions, feelings and inspire. Change the world if you like.

Since a very young age it was my dream to become a writer, to be eloquent, have a huge imagination and be able to create a vision in someone’s mind that wasn't there before.

It fascinates me to see and hear when people are able to recall historical dates, recite specific sayings or poems, recalling artists and their songs and knowing a lot of different Authors and their books. It would take me a lot of studying to be able to do that. This made me realise how shallow my interests really are and how lazy my brain is to be willing to remember all the things I learn along the way.

I have a passion for traveling, exploring different places. A passion for reading different books, however most of the times I am not able to recall the names of all the places I have been to or remembering the titles of the books I read, even if it was a really good book.

But what I do remember are people, not their names or birthdays, but who they are. People that left a mark in my life, that were able to change it for better or worse. Just to figure out what to do with this kind of talent is difficult.

In the future I continue to write my blog and in my notebook and leave my notes all over the place, but given that English is not my first language and I feel uncomfortable writing a long story in German pretty much makes it a challenge to become a successful author. Even though I will never give up that dream, I certainly will focus on living my life.

In the past I always needed reassurance that I am good at what I am doing. That whatever I write is brilliant, my pictures beautiful and my movies stunning. In my mind I know that is not the case, but getting the approval of someone to be good at something gives you a different perspective of certain things. The only thing I really want is being good at something. It certainly is a work in progress and maybe one day, only maybe, I will have figured it out.

Until then people will keep inspiring me and help to grow whatever it is that grows. There are so many more things I want to be able to do, such as taking dance lesson, learn an instrument, being able not to turn red when laughing and a few other things. What I am missing is the passion to really follow through with everything that is in my mind. The freedom I am experience throughout this chapter of my life is great and I will never lose it now that I have found it.

With this written of my mind I go to sleep and dream about chocolate mountains, melting into a river that rushes through my mouth.can identify myself with.  can identify myself with.

Home sweet Home

I am back home! How much I missed my family and friends and we are finally reunited again. Happy days.

I know it has been a while since I updated my blog. Ok I’ll be honest, since I returned to Europe. Why? Because I had suddenly all my friends and family around me again and the original thought and reason for this blog was to keep exactly those people updated on my travels. But it seems some people are interested in further details, so I keep posting, especially since some new trips are planned in the upcoming time.

I will start this time with my last promise, a collection of links I used to prepare for my trips. I know it can be a bit overwhelming looking at things that needs to be done for a long term trip, but you will be glad you did it once you stand at the airport ready for your trip. Researching information is very important before starting the trip, so I just tell you what I did first:

1 First preparation

I decided on places I want to go, timeframe, budget and approximately route. It is not very easy to find the perfect place to visit in this huge world of options. Go with your feelings, what is it that you always wanted to see? What is it that you always wanted to experience? If you now say EVERYTHING like I did, I guess you have to cut down and make a start somewhere. You might live in Europe, the States, Asia or Antarctica, so the easiest would be to figure out for you what is the easiest/cheapest way to get to another destination and where do you want to go from there.

Since me and my friend knew that we wanted to make a round trip in Asia first it was fairly easy to decide to start from Bangkok and continue with AirAsia www.airasia.com. Be aware that it is always worth to compare prices, you could check www.skyscanner.com for that. It is usually cheaper to book on the airlines websites directly.

In total we needed 6 months to plan our 6 weeks trip and had some hick ups in between, but as you can see we survived and had the time of our life’s.

I started reading the following link:

http://www.travelindependent.info/

Here you will find a vast amount of information on what to do and where to go! I found it to be the perfect starting point for my own journey.

And of course I read a lot of other blogs, one in particular inspired me:
http://eye-in-the-blue-sky.blogspot.co.uk/

2. Continuing alone to Australia

I had to prepare for my single trip to Australia and plan the route accordingly myself. I admit I was scared because I had no idea what to expect upon arrival, so again, I did a lot of research and was good prepared to attack things such as working holiday visa, Tax file number, bank account, phone number, accommodation and such.

I used the following links:

http://australia.gov.au/ 

http://www.lonelyplanet.com/thorntree/index.jspa 

http://www.australiaforum.com/

http://www.tripadvisor.com 

www.hostelworld.com (if you book regularly via this site, make sure you get the Gold Card, totally value for money)

www.gumtree.com (for accommodation and jobs)
www.couchsurfing.com (check it out, it is awesome)

Of course a popular search engine website helped me a lot with information I needed.

3. Continue back to Asia

Similar to the first part I wrote down the route I wanted to travel first and then did the research accordingly. I only started to book once I had all the information I needed, however certain parts of the journey I left unbooked since it sometimes cheaper to book locally and not via an agency or online. I mainly used Lonely Planet Forum for that. I tried not to buy a tour guide and relied on fellow travellers feedback; however in case I don’t have internet access I did buy one just in case I needed emergency numbers and accommodation.

I learned very quickly not to stay too central, because first it is cheaper a bit further out and second a lot more quiet. Depending on what kind of traveller you are, you might enjoy the Party life more than me, of course everyone is different and is looking for different things and most importantly, you will only learn from your own experience.

This should give you a good idea on how I approached the trip planning phase, for details on what I did exactly in each place you will need to the section I wrote previously while being on the trip.

Would I do such trip again? OF COURSE, I admit I miss the traveling part already and look very much forward to future trips and will keep you posted.

My next entry will be about getting back into a normal life and settling with a job after over 15 months of just enjoying the best time of my life.

Welcome back home!